Proper title is ? <- HEARTBEAT but the wikia doesn't allow it.
Written by someone who regrets everything
The story Edit
Her pulse quickens until it’s all that she can hear. She can’t think straight but one thought stands out more than any other and it’s follow the signs, follow the signs and she has to move quickly, quicker because they’re disappearing, and the rest follow because it’s their mission. The mission they’d all dreamed of going on.
She doesn’t care about that thorns that snag in her fur, or the streaks left in her skin as sharp tendrils scrape past, because all that matters is the chase, the chase, (the chase); she can’t let it go, she can’t, they have to find it, they have to strike tonight. And as her breath starts to go out of sync she realises she’s the only one in the clearing. The sign’s gone but hopefully they all remember it. No one else came with her, no one else had leapt over the river in search of the truth they’ve all dreamed of learning about. They all fought for this moment, they all fought for a spot on this mission; why wasn’t the bloodshed worth it? Why did no one want an answer? Why did no one want an answer as much as she did?
Her thoughts drift back and she can’t concentrate on the present, even though she has too; so she curls up underneath a tree and lets herself be taken back to a past where there was no war, no different sides, where the sun shined through the branches of the forest and each little flower was beautiful and unique and not just another something alive. When life was treasured and not something that was abundant, something that needed to be cut down. When she let herself go free and feel what she wanted; she wants to cry but she can’t because weakness is forbidden on this mission, pain just shows how weak you are.
She let herself be taken back to a past where someone (her age) would whisper kind words into her ear, where they would both open their mouths and a beautiful, beautiful sound would come out (she no longer remembered what it was called, the mission had no use for those kinds of feelings). She let herself be taken back to the moment when everything started to dim, everything was taken away and she became a fighter, a warrior for this mission. Back to the moments where being good meant you didn’t speak back, you did things without questioning and you killed without hesitation, the blood spilling out once again upon generations and generations of blood-stained soil. Back to the moments when you were bad. The moments where that someone was an enemy (Why must you be an enemy in this war?). She couldn’t even remember why. No one remembered why, it was so long since they ever questioned themselves, or anyone for that matter. (Why does no one remember what we’re fighting for?)
She gets up in a trance, almost, everything she sees is blurred with a weight on her head with jarring moments of clarity until she shakes her head and screams (almost, they never screamed. there was no room for pain). There’s a thumping of her heart that’s completely different from before (she learnt to recognise adrenaline after so many chases) and an emotion overwhelms her and she stumbles; it’s been so long since that had happened. Why? How, even? Was there another sign?
She looks around and there’s no glowing light or anything at all, but she can’t think straight so she sits back down and almost immediately her mind slips back to those times spent with that someone and the feeling is back, again and again until one word comes back to her, after being buried and hidden for so long (What’s happening. It can’t be, it wouldn’t be, it shouldn’t be). Love. She almost laughs at that thought. Love. Something stupid, deemed useless by the mission; because after all, if there’s no one and nothing to love then why would there even be love anymore? But even so she can’t deny the pain that’s slowly rising, choking her throat until-
Stop. Stop it, she tells herself. Remember the mission. Stop it. That doesn’t exist. That someone- (she, her mind tells her. It was definitely a she) doesn’t exist. It’s almost as if she was talking to that someone, she thought with a bitter laugh. stop it stop it you’re just a dream.
A dream. She wished it was; she wished it was all just a daydream. And if she’d just stop thinking she could wake up, snap out of it, to the face of that someone, her (lost love)- she didn’t even know. She needed to stop. The mission leader’s voice comes back to her, deep and cold and right, he was always right. At the very least, she thought, she needed to forget to the kindness that lingered in her mind, the beautiful noise that shook the corners of her heart. (but she knew she couldn’t even if she tried)
She hated it all. She hated this war, she hated the mission, she hated herself, but most of all she hated that someone, that very someone who was making her heart race and stop at the same time, that was taking her back to the time where there was no rope bound on her feelings, no rules she couldn’t break or things she couldn’t think. she haated it and she wanted it to end. Things would be so much better off without this war. The mission leader’s voice came back to her again but this time she remembered every word. If you must die, then die taking one of them with you. She only had this life, but if she had to choose, she would die, and take the war with her.
- It has a sequel, The shadows that cloud the sky, and the sun that brightens it