I pad slowly along the border. I am on patrol with my Clanmates, and I am still dealing with my emotions. I let my mind drift as I move, watching Ivypool and Blossomfall stay close together. Ahead of them is Lionblaze and Stormcloud, but I hardly notice the two. I only see one cat.
It's her. I know she is the one. She's the only one I have ever felt for. I don't care about our ages, the time we have, or who else there is. I want her, no one else. I like her. I lust for her. I love her.
I know we are separated. I am one cat.
I am Thornclaw.
And she is one cat, too.
She is Blossomfall.
But together, together we could make one. Together we could have one life, one love. If only she would notice. I have nothing against Ivypool, but I know in my heart that I live for Blossomfall completely. I know she would be perfect with me. It would be normal, and I could make her happy, I could make her laugh. Cats would all approve, I hope.
Before I even realize, I'm smiling and falling behind. I pick up the speed, still thinking of the same thing. It's like a cycle, in my bloodstream. Her look, her scent, her personality, he movements, they all make me crazy.
I know I could never tell anyone, besides, I AM a senior warrior who must fight for his clan.
But dealing with emotions whilst serving Thunderclan is not easy.
I hear them calling to me. Lionblaze yelling, "hurry up!" And mumbling something about me being a senior warrior, not a distracted kit. Stormcloud looks expectantly at me, Ivypool is watching me intently.
But all I look for is a subtle sign of Blossomfall noticing me. All I care for in this moment is to see her face when she looks at me. I just want her to look.
But she doesn't. She watches ahead the whole time, speaking in her sweet voice to Ivypool. I feel a tinge of envy as I run up forward, past them, to Lionblaze and Stormcloud. I have no more interest to see my love being taken away. I'm sickened in my stomach, but I think it's because of myself. Because of how I can't deal with not being loved back.
I still walk, now focusing on sniffing out scents or watching for any unusual scents, but I know I'll never be entirely straightforward. I'm going crazy, crazy for her. I'll just have to wait for the right time.
I know I can' too much longer without confessing everything to her. The time is coming.
After I returned to camp with my patrol, I go straight to the fresh-kill pile. I feel eating will help take my mind off things. I have been doing this lately, and noticing my growth in size. I will only continue to grow bigger until I get what they want.
As I sit down by the Warriors den, I scold myself once more. I AM a distracted kit. I feel I should get what I want, that I should have the she-cat I deserve, but that's all wrong.
Other cats have lives too. I'm not the only one who matters. But with her, I can't help it. I know half the clan would probably want to be with her too.
I bite into the soft flesh of the mouse at my paws. It's odd, I never really have an appetite. I eat because I do, a coping mechanism. No other reasons, I think.
Suddenly she pads by. She moves along, carrying a fresh-looking thrush in her jaws.
She looks so beautiful. Everything about her does. Her hard expression, face contorted in thought. Her body shape, lean muscles and pretty eyes. It's all just so....perfect. I never knew someone could be that magnificent.
My heart just bursts with complete joy when she does the smallest move towards me. She looks over and blinks. I find it like the most wonderful thing she could ever do, I just feel like she knows. She knows I love her.
But no, my mind attacks me, she is only doing a plain blink. Every cat blinks. I do. Ivypool does.
I need to stop taking everything so seriously. I need to push away the weird thoughts. <em> Is this the time to tell her everything? Does she like me? What about Ivypool?
It's like I'm a young apprentice with a crush. Head over paws, nothing else to think about. Stupid emotions always battle me now, and I hate it with so much passion.
I don't even notice Blossomfall is long gone, on the other side of camp, sitting alone. She looks........ I don't even know. She just doesn't look as.... Happy? Bright? Brilliant?
Once again I think of going over to talk to her. I have to do it SOMETIME. And what better time then now, when she is alone and Ivypool is elsewhere.
I'm ready. I know it. I HAVE to be ready.
I leave the mouse where it is and jump to my paws. I slowly shuffle her way, keeping my head low and trying not to glance at the other cats watching me. Once I pass through the maze of other cats, I am almost in reach of her. I block everything from the sides out.
I just stare forward, at her, running through what I am going to say over and over in my mind.
I reach her. She looks up from her half-eaten thrush at me, the trees and branches slowly swaying behind her glory.
"Do you....need something?..." She meows to me. I take a second to listen to her voice and her emotion. It's too hard to tell with my own feelings blotting everything out.
"I just....I wanna--can I...." I stutter and mumble, instantly forgetting everything I was gonna say. Stupid me. I know I'm acting 8 moons old, but I can't help it.
I force the words out of my dry throat, still unsure of everything. "Can I talk to you somewhere private?"
She thinks for a moment. There's something in her head she can't get rid of.
We both have a problem of that.
"Ok...sure, how about over there?" She flicks her tail to a spot that looks great for privacy, and I revel in her intelligence.
"That's great!" I say a bit too excited and dumbly.
She gets to her feet and starts to pad over, and I feel like I just glide after her, knowing nothing else.
She stands in the spot now, and asks coolly, "what did you want to speak to me for?"
I feel hot under my pelt, and I grin creepily.
This is it. My head spins completely. This is it where the truth comes out. I have one barrier left, and I know I just HAVE to break it down.
Here and now. My one perfect chance.
"Blossomfall. I..... I need to tell you....I just...."
I can't do it. I can't. It's too embarassing. It's the worst thing I've felt, torn between my awkwardness and my need.
I take one deep breath. And then, I speak.
"Blossomfall, I love you. I've always loved you...."
There is something in her eyes again. After I blurt out the words, with my heart just pounding my chest and my head swirling, I stare at her. She doesn't smile, she doesn't jump, she just stands and talks formally.
"I feel the same way."
I feel like crying, or vomiting, or jumping up and down for moons. I am just so unable to express how happy I am. I don't care that she isn't smiling or moving, I just feel beyond joyous. I twine my tail with hers, and I just stare.
We start to move forward together, and I push away the sight of Ivypool running away as fast as possible from the corner of my eye.
We walk together one way while Ivypool goes the other.
This time couldn't be better......
Later that day, my clan and I faced one of the worst things even possible.
I run as fast as I can, Blossomfall and half of the clan following me at the sound of a loud, distressed scream.
We all reach the place where the scream originated, in one, but we split apart once seeing the horror. Alderpaw crouched, shaking violently, beside the mangled, lifeless body of Ivypool. I see the foam around her mouth and her wrecked form. Her expression in death is even sad. She looks just awful.
Beside her mouth was a pile of smushed.....deathberries! Yes, deathberries. Something so deadly that it could kill any cat.
I scream and gasp and leap all at once though I'm not the only one. Beside me, Blossomfall isn't moving, while Whitewing is sobbing and yowling horrendously, and Dovewing has a despondent look on her face while she passes out on the ground.
Bramblestar and Squirrelflight stay still, looking at eachother in disbelief, and Birchfall looks broken. Cherryfall and Daisy are crying slightly.
No one barely moves, except the moving Jayfeather and the few who have run away from this terror.
Suddenly, Blossomfall just yells and speeds forward. She falls beside Ivypool's cold body, and shakes her head continuously. I run after her and keep yowling to her as I stand behind, but she doesn't hear or acknowledge me. She only whispers over and over and over. Tears fall down her cheeks and she slouches.
"Why? Why? Why? Why Ivypool? Why?" She has no sound of life in her. She sounds more broken and torn than anyone could ever be. She is just dead.
And as I stand behind her, watching her movements beside Ivypool, I can basically read her mind.
I know she loves her. I know she has not one bit of feelings for me. I KNOW she has only ever loved Ivypool and will continue, and everything with us has been a big scam.
Now I feel bad. Awful, terrible, horrible, despondent, just literally horrific. I can't do anything without Blossomfall. She is the one I love, the one I always will, the one I need to be with.
So if she won't be with me, and I can't be with her, then what point is there in.....anything?
My clan can live without me, my family can live without me.......
Blossomfall can live without me.
I turn and speed away. I do not look back once. I do not listen to anything at all until I am far away from my entire life. I know I'm being so very dramatic, but it has to be or not.
So I run past every tree I've memorized, every rock and prey-hole I know. I run past everything I've ever known.
And once again, I know.
I know that I am never going to come back.